Thursday, 13 October 2011

4 reasons why you should watch Robocop immediately

1. Corporate Greed.

Robocop took the corporate workplace and injected it with turbo-charged arsehole. And audiences loved it. Its vision of white-collar bastards left cinemas swooning. When the credits rolled, viewers binned their hippy ideals and sold their own mothers to the glue factory. It's why your parents cry buying Pritt Stick and you don't have a granny.

This man made them do it.
Dick Jones, pictured, is Senior Vice President of Omni Consumer Products. Contrary to popular opinion, he would piss on you if you were set on fire, but only after he'd dressed you in a global hypercolour t-shirt and set you on fire.

What we learn:

Don't work at OCP, even if they offer you the executive bathroom. Especially if they offer you the executive bathroom. If you say anything out of place in OCP's executive bathroom you can expect a house call from a man determined to ruin your prostitute party. 

I'm here about your knees.
2. Acid bath.

"You fancy mutants!" A cruel jibe, but true. Ugly doesn't do it for you. You need mutant. But they're so hard to find! Stop whining. Simply hollow out your bible and keep a video of Robocop inside. Now you're only ever 78 minutes away from a punk getting dunked in toxic waste and burst by a car.

"Maybe it's Maybelline"
What we learn:

Why your Boglin wears lipstick.

3. Wine-tasting

It's your first glass of your home-made wine. You swill the wine around the glass. You sniff the wine. You slurp the wine under your moustache. It's a very fine wine. But something's missing. What is it?

Suddenly, psychotic baldy Clarence Boddicker barges into your heavily-fortified cocaine warehouse. He jams his fingers into your glass of wine. You are affronted. But something twitches in your nose. On a hunch, you taste the wine again.

Jesus - it's amazing! It's like swimming in the eyes of Athena, like running through the halls of Valhalla! You’re trembling inside. Little does Clarence know you're going to convince him to quit the drugs game and open a vineyard! It's time for "Le Droit de Clarence"! It's time for-

- crap.
What we learn:
Keep Robocop out of important meetings.

4. Peter Weller.

Weller's never topped his potrayal as silver fox Robocop. Following his extraordinary documentary Screamers, which recorded his fight against intelligent robot saws disguised as household objects, Weller welded himself inside some tubes of sheet metal. He now lies propped against a dry-stone wall, waiting to smash through it should he once more be called upon to serve the public trust, uphold the law, protect the innocent, or carry out his classified fourth objective.
[infiltrate German parties]
What we learn: 

Sleep safely. Peter Weller is watching over you in his metal tube suit.

1 comment:

  1. More updates please! I haven't laughed so loudly to myself in ages!