Sunday, 18 March 2012

5 reasons why you should watch Commando immediately

1. Commando teaches you to be a better parent 

Thanks to a tender montage of father-daughter moments, we learn that John Matrix the Commando isn’t just living in the woods with a shedload of guns. He’s also a doting dad to young Jenny. I don't have a daughter, but if you do, I'd slap the little idiot for crushing icecream in my face. To my surprise, that's not how John Matrix reacts. John Matrix reacts like a laughing imbecile.

And if your daughter brought a wild deer into my garden, I'd feed her hormones until she had nuts then kick her in the nuts. But loveable Mister Matrix just joins in the petting frenzy, albeit with such shiny-eyed fervour it becomes apparent that he could be utterly mental. Is there really a deer there at all?

When Jenny creeps up on Matrix while he’s chopping wood it looks like he’s finally going to snap and axe her head off. And who could blame him. Only a moron tiptoes up behind a paranoid special forces burn-out while he’s swinging an axe. He’s probably having flashbacks to that time he killed an entire African village with an axe. He spies Jenny’s blurry reflection in the blade. His eyes narrow. His jaw clenches. His piles deflate. His testes soar like eagles. He spins round – and hugs her. A wild-eyed, crazy-tight hug. This guy is cycling through delusions. Maybe he's going to let her go, maybe he's going to pop her brains out with his massive arm. We just don't know.

The day Jenny was taken, as seen by John Matrix.

The day Jenny was taken, as seen by child protection officers.

Ok, so forget that, Commando does not teach you how to be a better parent.

2. Sully teaches you how to win with the ladies 

Sully knows women (in theory).
Being a short-arsed evil henchman is just Sully’s day job. The main thing on Sully’s mind is chatting up hotties. Or, more accurately, annoying hotties. Sully demonstrates such appalling seduction techniques I can only imagine bigger boys told him the four steps to a woman's heart were ogle, leer, follow and insult. Sully is five feet nothing of sheer sexual terror (five foot four when aroused). If Sully were a beverage, he would be one part Campari and nine parts Rohypnol, shaken and poured over your stolen pants. 

Furious Virgin with a twist of lime.
He’s also damned persistent. When Sully locks on to your booty, pretty much the only way to avoid getting rutted in every hole is a fast car or a complete set of orifice corks. 

"I heard you were coming, Sully. As you can see, I've protected myself."
"Do you have a Ferrari?"
"Then prepare for a sore throat. And earache. And blindness."

Sully meets Matrix's ladyfriend and says “I’ve got something I really want to give you.” She runs away. Sully is confused. Didn’t he make it clear his gift was going to be penile in character? He digs deep to win her back: 

To Sully's dismay this isn't the foolproof clincher he thought it was, and she drives away. Poor old Sully. Turns out all the bigger boys think it's funny to trick him:

“That's right, Matrix! You did!”

One Furious Virgin, on the rocks.

Sully is only the lothario of your wildest dreams if you're an inveterate bedwetter. His advice on women should, in retrospect, be ignored.

3. Macho macho villains

Tired of flabby dorks trying to take over the world? Want your action hero's nemesis to be one ripped hombre who'll give Matrix a run for his money in a climactic punch-up? Well say hello to  

Do you know what today is Matrix?...Payday!”
Well, it certainly rhymes with payday.
Quite frankly, Bennett isn't a convincing adversary. Not by a long shot. Dressed in a black t-shirt and chainmail, Bennett's leather club look isn't fooling anyone. Dog tags and a handlebar moustache can't distract from poor muscle tone and a comfortable paunch. Bennett would be no match for Matrix if he wasn't holding a gun to Jenny's head. At least he has that advantage.

"I don't need the gun!" Oh god, yes you do.
"I don't need the girl!" Damn it Bennett.
Bennett's slightly more threatening once he's a corpse penetrated by a steam pipe, as he represents a scalding hazard.

4. The carnival atmosphere 

The steel drum score to Commando is so brain-meltingly powerful that when it was played on a British Airways flight on 24 June 1988, every single passenger slipped from their seats on take-off, hung from the landing gear, dropped to the ground, ran to the car park, kidnapped a lady, pushed a man off a cliff, stole many guns, flew to an island, killed everyone on it and stuck a pipe through a closeted Australian. In the aftermath five complaints were made and Commando was subsequently banned from all British Airways flights, except the one going over Richard Branson's island. 

BA's 'Operation Branson Pickle' continues to this day.

5. John Matrix

And by Matrix, I mean Arnold. He is eighty-four basket balls squeezed into a wood-stained sock and flambeed with charisma. He is a bullet-shooting muscle. He is completely, 100 per cent hand-made by himself. No one gave birth to that accent. It was wrung from the last scholar in the Tower of Babel by baby Arnold's massive hands. And he is perfect. As such, his very existence is a rejection of the natural order of things. His portrayal of John Matrix is 90 minutes of spit directed squarely into God's eye.  

And missiles.
John Matrix could show God just what happens to the immoveable object when it's met by an unstoppable force: it gets blown up and probably impaled. Luckily that fate won't befall God since he has the power of the Holy Trinity. At least He has that advantage.

"I don't need the Holy Ghost!" Oh God, yes you do.
"I don't need the Son!" Ffs.
Of course, it's likely that everything in the film only happened in John Matrix's head. Everything except the bit where he sliced off somebody's scalp with a rotary saw blade. That bit happened, only not to a mercenary goon. There were no goons. There was just Jenny. And now he'll never cut her hair again.

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